Living not surviving

For a long time, I thought surviving was living.

Waking up each day, getting through the hours, dodging danger, navigating tension, reading people’s energy before they even opened their mouths. For years, that was my rhythm. That was normal. That was necessary.

But surviving and living are not the same thing.

This blog isn’t about the trauma. It’s not about what happened, or who did what, or the moment it all changed. This is about the space after. The space where many of us get stuck.

That quiet space where no one's yelling anymore, the locks are secure, and there’s food on the table. But somehow, the inside of you still feels like it’s bracing.

Still holding your breath.

Still waiting for something to go wrong.

So the question becomes: how do I start living again?

Not just functioning. Not just working or existing. But truly living.

What Does It Mean to Be Living?

Living means you feel connected.

It means you are present. It means you feel safe enough to dream, to laugh without guilt, to enjoy a moment without checking over your shoulder.

Living is when you respond instead of react.

When you take care of your body not because you have to, but because you want to.

Living looks like:

• Laughing at a joke and realizing it was the first real laugh in a long time.

• Cooking something not just to eat, but to enjoy.

• Walking outside and not scanning every car that drives by.

• Having a conversation without preparing for conflict.

• Trusting peace without thinking it’s a setup.

  
  

According to a 2022 report from the American Psychological Association, only 42% of adults in the U.S. said they felt “very satisfied” with their lives, while over 60% admitted they felt they were in a constant state of “overwhelm or burnout.” Those numbers show us that even people who appear to be living on the outside are often surviving on the inside.

For many survivors, true moments of peace and joy feel foreign. Or they come in glimpses. You think you’re doing fine, until you realize your shoulders are still up to your ears and your jaw is still clenched.

The truth is, surviving becomes a lifestyle. Especially when it was needed for so long. It becomes the default.

I’ve known people who did time, people who escaped violent relationships, people who came out of the street life, and people who lived in homes where silence meant danger. And we all had the same question once the dust settled: What now?

See, when you're used to surviving, the absence of danger doesn't automatically equal the presence of peace.

That’s the trap.

Survivors get told, "You're out now. You're free. You should be happy."

But freedom isn’t just physical. It’s emotional. It’s mental. It’s spiritual. And a lot of us never learned what that kind of freedom looks or feels like. Physical freedom might mean you're no longer locked behind a door or under someone else’s control—but emotional freedom means you’re allowed to feel what you feel without shame or fear.

Mental freedom is having space in your mind that isn't constantly occupied by threats, regrets, or survival strategies. And spiritual freedom? That’s the quiet inner peace that comes when you stop defining yourself by what happened to you, and start reconnecting with who you were always meant to be.

Many of us came out of systems or relationships that only taught us how to shut down, how to obey, how to keep our heads low and our voices silent. No one taught us how to trust joy. How to dream. How to feel safe in stillness. So we mistake functioning for freedom. But real freedom isn’t just about being out—it’s about being well.

This is Survival Mode

Here are some signs, from real life, that you might still be surviving instead of living:

• You plan for worst-case scenarios automatically.

• You feel guilty when you're resting or enjoying yourself.

• You have a hard time accepting good things without thinking something bad is coming.

• You stay busy constantly because stillness makes you anxious.

• You struggle to connect emotionally or feel numb.

• You don't think about the future because it feels unrealistic.

  
  

In a national survey by Mental Health America in 2023, over 55% of respondents said they struggle with anxiety that makes “relaxing feel unsafe or irresponsible.” This isn’t about drama. It’s about conditioning. Our body and mind learned how to protect us. But protection isn’t the same as participation.

Living asks you to be in the moment.

Surviving keeps you looking for the exit.

Part of the difficulty is that surviving gave us results. We made it. We're still here. Our coping mechanisms worked—even if they cost us.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics' American Time Use Survey, the average American adult spends less than 20 minutes per day on health-related self-care and only about 30 minutes daily on leisure activities like reading or relaxing. That’s barely enough time to reconnect with yourself. When the bulk of our time is spent grinding through obligations—commuting, caregiving, overworking—it leaves little room for healing or growth. We end up treating personal time as a luxury instead of a necessity.

What that tells us is this: we’re living in a society that rewards output, not well-being. A culture that teaches us to value being productive more than being whole. The result? Many of us don’t feel we have permission—or time—to slow down, reflect, or tend to our emotional needs. We're told to "grind" before we’re ever taught to breathe.

So self-care becomes a guilty pleasure instead of a daily practice. And anything not directly tied to survival or performance starts to feel wasteful.

But that’s the lie. Time spent on inner peace, joy, and self-discovery is not wasted—it’s foundational. If we don’t challenge this mindset, survival mode becomes our permanent home, even when the immediate threat is long gone.

Many don’t even realize they’re in survival mode because it has blended into everyday life. From how we rush through our routines, to how we disconnect from emotions, to how we measure our worth in productivity—our society teaches coping, not living.

That’s the danger of normalization. You get so good at hiding the bruise, you forget it ever hurt.

And in communities that face chronic trauma—whether from incarceration, violence, generational poverty, or racism—survival becomes a badge of honor. But living is what we deserve beyond that badge.

Make the Shift

A 2021 Harvard Health study found that people who practiced intentional gratitude and self-compassion as part of their daily routine showed significant increases in overall happiness and interpersonal trust in just 21 days. - That's less than a full month for seeing results. 

So how do we start making that shift—from surviving to living?

It begins with recognizing where we are. I had to look at myself and say, “I’m not living. I’m surviving.” That admission alone started to loosen something in me. Because once we can name our reality, we can begin to change it.

From there, I started paying attention to small moments—ones I used to overlook. Things like a quiet morning, a meal that tasted good, music that stirred something in me. I practiced noticing them. I let them land. That was my first taste of joy that wasn’t tied to escape or adrenaline.

I also had to slow down. For me personally, that was the hardest part. Coming home from prison, I was in constant motion—trying to prove my worth, trying to rebuild. But I realized peace doesn’t live in the hustle. It lives in stillness. So I learned to pause. To breathe. To sit in quiet without needing to run or do.

Another big shift came when I allowed people to see me. Not the version I performed, but the real me—uncertain, hopeful, healing. That took courage. And it still does. But connection is part of living. We weren’t made to do this alone.

And finally, I changed the questions I asked myself. Instead of, “How do I get through this week?” I started asking, “What does my self care look like this week, what am I going to do for that?” That simple reframe shifted my actions, my mindset, and my sense of possibility.

It’s not about grand gestures.

It’s about consistent, honest steps toward the kind of life that makes you feel grounded and whole.

A friend I did time with told me, "Man, I didn’t realize I was still locked up until I was sitting at my kid’s birthday party and couldn’t stop checking the doors."

A woman I know who escaped an abusive marriage explained to me, "I didn’t feel free until the first night I slept without getting up throughout the night to check the locks and peer out the windows."

A young man from Detroit shared with me, "I didn’t know how to enjoy my life because I never thought I’d make it to 30."

These aren’t quotes from textbooks. These are real people trying to remember what safety feels like.

Living Is a Skill You Build

Living isn’t a destination you arrive at. It’s a skill you practice.

You learn it like you learn anything else. One choice at a time.

• Choosing to rest without guilt.

• Choosing to say yes to joy.

• Choosing to believe you’re worthy of more than making it through.

  
  

According to research from the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine, positive emotions can broaden our perspective, improve health, and build resilience—but only if we give ourselves permission to experience them.

Permission is the key.

Give yourself permission to enjoy. To trust. To love. To breathe.

Additionally, in a 2022 meta-analysis of 29 studies on trauma recovery, researchers found that survivors who engaged in “future-building” behaviors—like goal setting, creative expression, and restorative hobbies—reported significantly higher life satisfaction and emotional stability compared to those who only focused on symptom management.

There is no finish line to healing. But there is movement. There is progress. There is life after the storm.

If you’re reading this and realizing you’ve been stuck in survival mode - You’re just transitioning...

And that transition takes time.

You don’t have to figure it out overnight. Start with one breath. One choice. One moment where you let yourself feel safe.

You made it. Now it’s time to live.

Peace,

-Troy Rienstra