Trauma + Me: The Echoes of Trauma in Relationships (#3)

Hello friends,

If you’ve been following this series, you know we’ve talked about trauma—what it is and how it rewires your brain. Today, we’re taking a closer look at how trauma doesn’t just affect us individually—it spills over into our relationships, especially our romantic ones.

Love is supposed to be this beautiful thing, right? But what happens when unresolved trauma sneaks into the mix? Suddenly, the “happily ever after” starts looking a lot more like a soap opera rerun. Let’s dive into how trauma impacts our romantic relationships and why it’s one of the leading contributors to divorce today. And don’t worry—we’ll also talk about what we can do about it.

Unresolved trauma doesn’t just sit quietly in the background of your life. It shows up in your behaviors, your communication, and even your arguments. When you bring trauma into a relationship, it’s like carrying an invisible suitcase filled with fear, mistrust, and insecurities—and unpacking it right in the middle of your love story.

How Trauma Manifests in Relationships

Here are some common ways trauma plays out in romantic dynamics:

1. Fear of Intimacy: Trauma survivors often struggle to let their guard down. Getting close feels dangerous because vulnerability has hurt them before.

2. Hypervigilance: Always scanning for signs of rejection or betrayal, even when none exist.

3. Emotional Reactivity: Small disagreements can feel like major threats, triggering outsized emotional responses.

4. Avoidance: Some people withdraw from their partners when triggered, creating emotional distance.

5. Codependency: Others might cling too tightly, fearing abandonment.

Let’s talk numbers. Trauma doesn’t just cause personal pain—it has a ripple effect that can devastate relationships.

• Divorce and Trauma: Studies have shown that couples where one or both partners have experienced trauma are significantly more likely to divorce. In a study published in the Journal of Traumatic Stress (2018), researchers found that PTSD symptoms were a strong predictor of marital dissatisfaction and separation.

• The ACEs Connection: Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are another key factor. A study in Pediatrics found that individuals with a high ACE score (indicating significant childhood trauma) were more likely to experience relationship instability as adults.

• The Communication Gap: According to a 2021 report by the American Psychological Association, poor communication—often a symptom of unresolved trauma—is one of the top reasons cited for divorce.

  
  

How Trauma Sabotages Love

Trauma has a funny way of whispering lies in your ear. It tells you that you’re unlovable, that your partner will hurt you, or that it’s safer to keep your distance. These lies can create toxic patterns in relationships. Let’s break them down:

1. Attachment Issues

Trauma affects the way we bond with others. Psychologists call this “attachment theory,” and it boils down to this: If you’ve experienced trauma, especially in childhood, you might develop insecure attachment styles.

• Anxious Attachment: Constantly seeking reassurance, fearing abandonment.

• Avoidant Attachment: Pushing people away to protect yourself.

• Disorganized Attachment: A mix of both, leading to unpredictable relationship patterns.

  
  

2. Conflict Escalation

When trauma is in the driver’s seat, small disagreements can escalate into full-blown fights. Why? Because your brain is wired to see threats where there aren’t any. A forgotten text becomes “You don’t care about me,” and a casual comment becomes “You’re attacking me.”

3. Emotional Withdrawal

Some trauma survivors cope by shutting down emotionally. They might appear cold or distant, not because they don’t care, but because they’ve learned that feelings are dangerous. This can leave partners feeling rejected or unloved.

4. Misinterpreting Intentions

Trauma creates a filter through which you see the world. A well-meaning gesture might be misinterpreted as manipulation or criticism. This can lead to misunderstandings that erode trust over time.

If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone. The good news is that trauma doesn’t have to define your relationships. Here are some strategies for breaking the cycle:

1. Learn to Recognize Trauma Responses

The first step is awareness. Start paying attention to how your trauma shows up in your relationships. Ask yourself:

• “Am I reacting to the situation in front of me, or am I responding to an old wound?”

• “What’s the story my trauma is telling me right now?”

2. Communicate with Your Partner

Talk about your trauma openly, if you feel safe doing so. Explain how it affects you and what your partner can do to support you. This kind of vulnerability can strengthen trust and understanding.

3. Seek Professional Help

Therapy is a game-changer. A good therapist can help you unpack your trauma, identify triggers, and develop healthier coping strategies. For couples, consider trauma-informed couples therapy to work through challenges together.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

Healing takes time, and you’re going to mess up along the way. Be kind to yourself and celebrate small victories.

5. Build Healthy Patterns

Start replacing destructive habits with healthier ones. For example:

• Instead of shutting down during a conflict, take a deep breath and express how you’re feeling.

• Practice active listening, even when it’s hard. Being present is one of the most important tools we can offer ourselves. Do your best to keep your mind focused on the present i.e. what your doing (eating, talking, listening, driving) and what your thinking. Making sure what your thinking is in alignment with what your currently doing.

  
  

Relationships are hard enough without trauma in the mix. But when we understand how trauma operates, we can start to disrupt its patterns. It’s about being willing to do the work.

Trauma may shape us, but it doesn’t have to trap us. Love—real, lasting love—is possible, even for those of us carrying heavy baggage. But it starts with unpacking that suitcase and deciding what to keep and what to let go.

What’s Next?

We’ll dive into how post-traumatic stress disorder can develop from trauma, what the signs look like, and the resources available for healing.

Until then, remember this: Love is hard, but it’s worth it. .....And so are you.

Troy Rienstra