Trauma Responses

We Typically Mistake as Personality Traits

There’s a quiet misunderstanding that many of us carry — the belief that our behaviors are fixed traits, just “how we are.” We label ourselves and others without question: distant, intense, passive, controlling. But over the years — both in my own personal healing and through decades working with incarcerated individuals, returning citizens, and survivors of abuse — I’ve learned that many of these so-called personality traits are something else entirely:

This isn't therapy-speak or trendy self-help talk. This is real life. I’ve sat across from men society called “aggressive” — but when you peeled back the layers, they were scared boys who learned early on that showing vulnerability was dangerous.

I’ve seen women labeled “cold” who were actually just trying to survive in a world that never gave them safety. These aren’t character flaws — they’re trauma responses. And many of us are living out these patterns without even realizing it.

How Trauma Hides in Plain Sight

Here’s the thing: trauma doesn’t always look like some big dramatic event. It can be a series of small things — neglect, betrayal, constant stress, witnessing violence — that rewires how we engage with people, handle conflict, or even show up in relationships.

Trauma responses often sound or look like this:

• “I don’t need anyone.” That’s not independence. That’s learned self-protection from being let down too many times.

• “I just like to stay busy.” That might be high-functioning anxiety, not a hustle mindset.

• “I’m just a private person.” Or you might have learned that sharing your truth was punished or ignored.

• “I don’t trust people.” That’s not discernment — that’s survival.

  
  

Do any of these sound familiar? They’re common. They’re also understandable. But they’re not necessarily “you.”

One of the most dangerous lies we believe is that our trauma is our identity. That we’re just broken or “built this way.” But you’re not your trauma. You’re someone who survived something — and your nervous system adapted so you could make it through.

That’s strength, not weakness. But here’s the catch: what helped you survive may now be keeping you from fully living.

Recent research from the National Council for Mental Wellbeing shows that nearly 70% of people with untreated trauma report feeling misunderstood by those around them — often being labeled as difficult, withdrawn, or overly emotional.

A 2023 survey from Psychology Today found that more than half of respondents believed certain emotional responses were 'just personality traits,' without realizing they were actually trauma-related behaviors.

This growing gap in understanding has led many to normalize coping mechanisms rather than recognize them as opportunities for healing.

These patterns don't just show up in prison yards or therapy offices — they show up in boardrooms, families, friendships, and marriages.

Masculinity and Misunderstood Pain

I'm not trying to just call out men, alone, however, the plain fact of reality is that far more of us men, then women, are raised to ignore their emotions. Most of us were never taught to even name our emotions. We were told to toughen up, stop crying, and push through.

So when we’re triggered, we often don’t even recognize it as a trauma response. We just think we’re angry, or someone “disrespected” us.

The most common unhealed trauma responses in men, tend to be:

• Overworking

• Substance use

• Control issues

• Detachment from loved ones

• Quick temper or irritability

  
  

And society? It often praises that as being strong, focused, or alpha. But strength isn’t about avoidance — it’s about awareness.

First, stop labeling yourself or others too quickly. The biggest part in being able to see your real self, trauma responses and all, is being present. If you are not practicing this skill it becomes incredibly challenging to even recognize the autopilot responses that have been naturally turning on for years or decades.

Then learn to ask yourself: Is this really my personality? Or is this something I learned to do so I wouldn’t get hurt again? Did I hear the question/statement and tone used correctly or am I simply reacting to a feeling, sound, phrase..etc.?

Then get curious. Self-awareness is truly a skill. Whether it’s through journaling, faith, or getting comfortable talking to yourself more, start paying attention to your patterns and your thoughts.

Third, extend grace — to yourself and others. Most of us are out here doing the best we can with what we know. But that doesn’t mean we can’t grow beyond it.

From Response to Recovery

When we pause long enough to observe ourselves — to truly be present — we begin to see the unconscious patterns that shape our everyday lives. This kind of self-observation isn’t soft; it’s strategic.

Neuroscience from Harvard Medical School has shown that mindfulness-based practices — which involve present-moment awareness — actually restructure the brain's default mode network, leading to greater emotional regulation and self-awareness.

According to Yale University’s Department of Psychology, emotional self-awareness is directly linked to improved interpersonal functioning and resilience. When individuals are taught to track and reflect on their behavioral patterns, they not only reduce stress but also significantly improve their communication and conflict resolution skills.

Being present allows us to catch the pause between trigger and reaction — and in that pause, we find power.

The World Health Organization states that trauma-informed care and education have profound impacts on public health. Communities that center emotional understanding experience lower crime rates, stronger family systems, and better academic performance in youth.

One real-world figure who embodies this work is actor and former wrestler Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Despite his public success, he’s been vocal about his struggles with depression and trauma from a turbulent upbringing. He’s used that awareness not as a weakness, but as a platform to educate others about mental health, masculinity, and breaking generational cycles. That’s what leadership through healing looks like.

Another well-known example is Mel Robbins, a former criminal defense attorney turned best-selling author and motivational speaker. Robbins has spoken openly about her own battles with anxiety, panic attacks, and self-doubt.

For years, she believed her tendency to overanalyze, shut down emotionally, and isolate herself was just her personality — something she couldn’t change. But through her own mental health journey, Robbins discovered that those behaviors were responses to unresolved trauma from her childhood.

Her breakthrough came when she started using what she now calls the "5 Second Rule" — a simple technique of counting down from 5 to 1 to disrupt negative thought patterns and choose intentional action. That small moment of awareness helped her reclaim power from automatic trauma responses.

Today, Robbins teaches millions how to recognize when fear is running the show and how to replace reactivity with presence. It’s a practical approach to healing that empowers people to break free from cycles that feel permanent.

Research from Columbia University and the London School of Economics supports this concept: emotional habits formed through early trauma often create cognitive distortions — exaggerated thoughts or beliefs — that become embedded in identity. But the brain, through neuroplasticity, (the brain's ability to reorganize itself) remains capable of forming new patterns well into adulthood. This means transformation is not only possible — it’s scientifically proven.

To do that, we need to get honest about the stories we tell ourselves and the behaviors we normalize. Are you truly someone who “just doesn’t do relationships,” or did abandonment or betrayal teach you that intimacy is dangerous?

Are you really a “lone wolf,” or did being rejected condition you to expect that no one stays?

Once we bring that level of honesty to our self-awareness, healing becomes less about fixing ourselves and more about meeting ourselves — with compassion, clarity, and truth.

Its important we understand how to stop confusing survival mechanisms for personality and trauma for identity.

So as we begin to recognize that many of our “quirks” or emotional habits may actually be unresolved survival strategies, we open the door to something greater:

• True identity

• Emotional sovereignty

• Relationships rooted in truth, not trauma

• A community built on accountability and empathy

  
  

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting what happened. It means understanding how it shaped us — and choosing, consciously, what comes next.

We are not what happened to us. However, we are what we choose to become beyond it.

In truth and healing,

-Troy Rienstra