Understanding Resolve

Some of us don’t know we’re at war until we finally experience peace.

You might think you’re just having a bad week with your partner, or that you’re “not good at relationships.” But what if the frustration you feel in the middle of an argument isn’t about what’s being said—it’s about how your nervous system has been trained to respond?

Here’s a hard truth I’ve had to learn: sometimes the way we respond in a relationship isn’t who we are—it’s who we had to be to survive. That difference matters. It’s the line between reacting on autopilot and choosing to engage with clarity.

We live in a world where real emotional safety is still new territory for many of us. Especially for those who grew up in chaos, dysfunction, or emotional neglect. When calm arrives, it can feel unfamiliar. Uncomfortable, even.

And that’s the tension many of us are sitting in: we crave connection, but we’ve been wired to expect conflict. So when it doesn’t come, we don’t always know how to act.

I spent years navigating horribly toxic relationships, where anger, disconnection, and distrust ruled every exchange. Now, in a healthy marriage, I still find myself bumping up against old instincts—not because I want to sabotage anything, but because learning to feel safe takes time.

I’ve learned that safety doesn’t mean the absence of conflict; it means the presence of trust, even when things are tense.

Redefining “Resolve”

Most of us misunderstand what it means to resolve an argument. We think resolution is about agreeing, about being on the same page, or about one person winning. But the true definition of “resolve” is to settle or find a solution to a dispute or problem—not erase it, not silence it, and definitely not control it.

Modern relationships often skip past true resolution and slide into silent discontent. Why? Because we treat disagreement as failure. We forget that as human beings, it’s normal—and healthy—to have a stance, a feeling, or a belief that differs from our partner. Being together doesn’t mean controlling your partner’s thoughts or decisions. It means embracing that they are their own person choosing to do life with you.

That means you will not always be on the same page. And that’s okay.

What matters is how you respond to those differences. Do you accept that your partner may have a bad day? That they may come from a different upbringing and therefore see things differently? Do you accept that differences are not an attack on you, but part of the richness of sharing life with someone else?

Understanding these things is critical. Because without this awareness, we risk defaulting into control, defensiveness, or combativeness—not because we’re bad people, but because we’re uncomfortable with the tension of difference.

According to a study from the University of Michigan, couples who understand and respect each other’s differences report significantly higher relationship satisfaction and resilience during conflict. The Gottman Institute echoes this, finding that successful couples aren’t those who avoid disagreements, but those who handle them with curiosity and respect.

Stanford University researchers explain that emotionally stressed individuals are more likely to misinterpret neutral or ambiguous communication as threatening, particularly when past trauma is at play.

That’s why recognizing your emotional patterns matters: sometimes what you’re arguing about isn’t even about the present—it’s your old wiring reacting to a perceived danger.

From a masculine perspective, especially for men raised to tough things out: healthy connection can feel weak, vulnerable, or suspicious. Sometimes when my wife says, “Let’s talk about it,” my gut still says, this feels off, or this is an invitation for an argument. But that’s not the case—it’s actually just my old programming trying to flag a false alarm.

For many men, especially those who were taught that emotions are threats or that needing to communicate makes you less strong, the idea of calmly talking through something can feel unsettling.

It triggers a sense of exposure, a loss of control. We’re taught to armor up, to stay sharp, to always have the upper hand. So when a partner invites connection instead of confrontation, the male brain—especially one shaped by past stress—often interprets that as suspicious.

"What is she really wanting though?" ..."Is this a trap for something else?" (The octopus in my mind would typically be asking me these questions to keep me from connecting in a healthier context.)

It’s not that we don’t want connection; it’s that we don’t trust what it feels like because we’ve never practiced it before. Our nervous system is wired to prepare for battle, even when the other person is coming in peace.

Healthy doesn’t mean you stop having disagreements.

It means you stop turning disagreements into destruction, hurt, or attacks...

It means learning to sit with the discomfort of vulnerability, to recognize that true strength isn’t in overpowering your partner—it’s in staying steady, open, and grounded when everything inside you says to shut down or lash out.

That's the wisdom to really grab onto - Healthy doesn't mean you stop disagreeing. Healthy merely means you understand how to resolve, how to participate effectively versus destructively due to your uncomfortably.

The University of Toronto has studied how individuals healing from past trauma often experience anxiety when things feel calm and safe. It’s as if the body doesn’t know what to do without chaos, and it starts sending signals: “We don’t know what this is, so proceed with caution—it’s probably a trap.” That’s why we need to practice reminding ourselves: new is not scary; it’s just new.

Let me give you a real-life example to make this clearer. Think about soldiers returning from deployment zones who struggle to adjust to the quiet of civilian life. Current reports from the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs highlight how many veterans experience hypervigilance or anxiety in safe, everyday environments—not because they want to, but because their nervous systems became wired to expect danger after months or years in high-stress zones.

A simple trip to the grocery store, walking through a crowded mall, or even sitting quietly at home can trigger unease—not because the environment is unsafe, but because the calm feels unfamiliar.

While I understand that most people haven't experienced the trauma of a war zone, the standard level of stress that comes from toxic relationships can create a new -heightened - resting point for our nerves. Creating that hyper vigilant demeanor in people who had years of arguing with no resolve, walking on egg shells daily and suiting up in mental armor to deal with their relationship.

Tools for True Resolution

To help retrain those automatic responses, here are evidence-based tools:

• Pause Before Reacting: University of California research shows even a six-second pause before speaking during a conflict helps increase emotional control.

  
  

• Name Your Own Feelings: Instead of attacking (“You never listen”), shift to observation (“I notice I’m feeling unheard right now”).

  
  

• Practice Repair Attempts: The Gottman Institute shows couples who use repair attempts like humor, affection, or small pauses to de-escalate a fight are far more successful long-term.

  
  

• Accept Difference: Remember, agreement isn’t the goal. Understanding is. Ask yourself: can I accept that my partner’s view is valid, even if it’s not my own?

  
  

• Check Your Intentions: Before pushing a point, ask: am I trying to connect, or am I trying to win?

Here’s what I wish I’d known earlier: real love isn’t about molding someone into your image. It’s about standing beside someone who chooses you as they are—and choosing them back, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Resolving arguments isn’t about perfect unity; it’s about practicing healthy differences. It’s about learning that feeling upset or thrown off doesn’t always mean something’s wrong. Sometimes it just means you’re stretching into unfamiliar ground.

There’s no authority like the authority you claim over your own reactions when you choose presence over autopilot.

If this resonates with you, or if you want to explore more about trauma-informed relationships and emotional healing, reach out to us at CODA.

Together, we can create partnerships that hold space for real difference, real growth and real love.

I'll leave you with this simple and yet complete quote by Tony Gaskins, "Arguing isn't communication, its noise." ...Take a step forward to understand how you communicate with your partner and how well you are actively and presently listening.

-Troy Rienstra