Dangers of Leaving

If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship, it might be hard to understand why someone wouldn’t just leave. It seems like the obvious choice, right? If someone is hurting you, you walk away.

But for those who have experienced domestic abuse, leaving isn’t that simple.

Not only is it emotionally and psychologically difficult, but it is often the most dangerous time in a survivor’s life.

And what many people don’t realize is that even when a survivor is ready to leave, there are countless obstacles standing in their way.

My hope with this post is to shed some light on these barriers—not to make anyone feel overwhelmed, but to help us all understand how we, as a community, can do better to support survivors in their journey to safety.

The Most Dangerous Time for a Survivor

In my work in domestic abuse prevention, I’ve learned that two key time frames put survivors at the highest risk:

1. The first 72 hours after serving a Personal Protection Order (PPO)

2. The first 90 days after leaving an abusive partner

These are the moments when an abuser feels the most loss of control. And when an abuser loses control, they often become more dangerous.

Unfortunately, most people—even those working in advocacy—don’t always realize just how much risk survivors face during this time.

• Upon serving their abuser the PPO their lethality level increases

• Research by organizations such as the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence has found that a significant number of homicides occur after victims seek help and protection.

• The first 90 days after separating from their abuser are when survivors are most likely to be stalked, attacked, or even killed.

So while the outside world might see a survivor leaving as a moment of relief or victory, inside the reality of abuse, this is often the most terrifying and uncertain time of all.

Even when a survivor knows they need to leave, actually doing it is another story.

1. They Don’t Know How to Leave Safely

• Most survivors have spent months—or years—learning how to navigate and survive their abuser’s behavior.

• They have likely been isolated from friends and family, meaning they don’t have a clear support system to turn to.

• If they share children with their abuser, they know they will still have to interact with them through custody agreements—which can be another tool of control.

  
  

2. They Don’t Feel Safe to Leave

• Many survivors have been threatened with harm if they try to leave.

• Some fear that their abuser will hurt their children, their pets, or even themselves.

• If their abuser is manipulative, they might convince the survivor that they won’t survive without them or that no one will help them.

  
  

3. They Don’t Have the Financial Stability to Leave

• Financial abuse is one of the biggest tools an abuser uses to trap a survivor. Many survivors don’t have a job, money, or a place to go.

• Some survivors have bad credit because their abuser took out loans in their name or controlled all their finances.

• The reality is that many survivors face homelessness if they leave. And if they have kids, this reality can be even more overwhelming.

  
  

Our Community Isn’t Set Up to Fully Support Survivors

There are shelters and programs that offer help, but the reality is that most don’t have the capacity to provide everything a survivor truly needs to rebuild their life.

Imagine leaving your home with nothing but a few bags, maybe your children, and no idea where you’re going next.

Now think about what you’d need to truly start over:

A safe place to live,

Transportation to get to work or take kids to school,

Clothes for yourself and your children,

Bedding, furniture, and household supplies,

A job or financial support to pay for food and bills.

Many of these things aren’t provided by the systems or only on an incredibly limited bases or with qualifying factors that eliminate most survivors from receiving the support they actually need. When survivors hit these roadblocks, it becomes easier to go back than to keep pushing forward.

Being vulnerable to support in this way, shows a survivor they will also be vulnerable to support in the proper safety they require.

Emotional abuse leaves no physical scars yet can destroy a person's mindset. The ultimate control tactic for an abuser -to make their victim feel and believe they are unworthy, unlovable and unaccepted by anyone else other then them. This form of abuse is not recognized in our society or seen for the devasting abilities it carries.

The reality is someone who has been emotionally abused has to rebuild an entire mindset of beliefs in order to even understand they have to leave. They have gone through such intense manipulation for sometimes years that believing in themselves again in hard to do.

That is why most survivors carry shame and guilt from their experience.

This is where we, as a community, need to do better.

Support Without Judgment

One of the hardest things about domestic abuse is that it’s often misunderstood.

Too many times, I’ve heard people say:

• “Why don’t they just leave?”

• “If they went back, they must not really want help.”

• “They should have planned better.”

But leaving an abuser isn’t just about walking away—it’s about surviving what comes next.

✔ Believe survivors when they say they’re in danger. Even if you don’t understand why they stayed, support them in their decision to leave.

✔ Advocate for better resources. We need more programs that don’t just provide emergency shelter but also long-term support like housing, job placement, and financial assistance.

✔ Don’t judge survivors who return. Many survivors leave and go back multiple times before leaving for good. Instead of frustration, offer encouragement.

✔ Educate yourself and others. The more people understand the realities of domestic abuse, the better equipped we are to create a community that helps rather than judges.

I’ve worked in this field long enough to know that survivors are some of the strongest, most resilient people you’ll ever meet. But they can’t do it alone.

If we want to truly help survivors escape and rebuild, we need to stop seeing domestic abuse as just a personal issue and start recognizing it as a community issue.

When we understand the challenges survivors face, we become part of the solution.

And when we stop judging and start supporting, we help create a world where leaving an abuser doesn’t have to be the hardest—and most dangerous—thing a survivor ever does.

Stay strong and keep growing,

-Troy Rienstra

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, know that help is available. No one should have to navigate this alone.

Reach out to your local domestic abuse agency for resources, safety planning, and support. If you suspect someone in your life is struggling, find a safe way to talk to them and connect them to help. Sometimes, simply listening and offering support can be life-changing.

For confidential support, you can contact:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 800-799-7233 or text "START" to 88788 | www.thehotline.org

• National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) – www.nnedv.org

• Love Is Respect (for young adults and teens) – Call 866-331-9474 or text "LOVEIS" to 22522 | www.loveisrespect.org

You are not alone. There is a way forward, and there are people ready to help.