Trauma + Me: Rebuilding Trust and Connection (#7)

Hi friends,

If you’ve been following this series, you know we’ve been diving into the complexities of trauma—how it shapes our brains, our bodies, and our identities. But today, we’re tackling a topic that hits close to home for so many: how trauma affects our relationships and, most importantly, how we can rebuild trust and connection.

Relationships are the bedrock of our humanity, yet trauma can act like an invisible wall, keeping us from fully connecting with the people we care about most. Let’s break down how trauma impacts relationships and explore practical ways to heal and build deeper connections.

Trauma doesn’t stay contained in the mind or body—it ripples outward, affecting how we interact with others. Whether it’s fear of vulnerability, difficulty regulating emotions, or mistrust, trauma can create barriers that make relationships feel more like battlegrounds than safe havens.

How Trauma Manifests in Relationships

1. Hypervigilance and Mistrust: Trauma wires the brain to constantly scan for danger, which can make it hard to trust others—even those who mean well. A partner’s innocent mistake might feel like a betrayal, triggering a defensive reaction.

2. Emotional Reactivity: Trauma survivors often experience intense emotional reactions that can seem out of proportion to the situation. This happens because the brain’s fear center, the amygdala, is on high alert, interpreting minor conflicts as major threats.

3. Avoidance and Withdrawal: Some people cope with trauma by shutting down emotionally, avoiding conflict, or distancing themselves from loved ones. This can leave partners or friends feeling confused or rejected.

4. Codependency: On the flip side, trauma can lead to codependency, where someone clings too tightly to relationships out of fear of abandonment.

   
   

Let me share a story—not my own this time, but one that might resonate with many of you.

Kirsty and Joel. They’d been married for six years, but things weren’t going well. Kirsty had experienced childhood trauma—an abusive parent who used anger as a weapon. Though Kirsty had left that environment behind, the scars remained.

Whenever Joel raised his voice, even in frustration about work, Kirsty’s heart would race. Her body would tense, and her mind would scream, You’re not safe. She started shutting down during arguments, unable to express herself. Joel, on the other hand, felt confused and hurt. “Why won’t she talk to me?” he wondered.

Their fights became cycles. Joel would push for communication, Kirsty would retreat, and both felt further apart than ever.

One day, after a confusing but charged argument the two decided to attend counseling. Joel began to understand what Kirsty was going through. He approached her differently—not with frustration, but with curiosity and compassion. Kirsty, too, started to address her triggers and learn how to communicate her feelings.

Over time, they rebuilt trust by working together to understand each other’s needs and recognizing how they both were dealing with their childhood trauma was hurting the other and stunting themselves.

Kirsty and Joel's story shows that healing in relationships isn’t about fixing one person—it’s about creating a shared understanding and building safety together.

Why Trauma Affects Relationships

Trauma disrupts the nervous system, leaving survivors in a state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. These survival mechanisms, while protective in the moment, can become obstacles to healthy relationships. Here’s why:

• Fear of Vulnerability: Trauma teaches you that vulnerability equals danger. In relationships, this translates to difficulty opening up or trusting someone with your feelings.

• Misinterpreting Intentions: This one is huge. The brain’s trauma lens often skews perceptions. A partner’s comment or action might be seen as criticism or rejection, even when it’s not. Trauma programs our mind to have an "auto pilot" response to situations that look or sounds similar - therefore - in short, an individual is no longer listening to their partner, rather, simply responding out of habit from an old operating system. One word can mean one thing to one person and an entirely different meaning to another partner.

• Difficulty Regulating Emotions: The hyperactive amygdala makes it hard to respond calmly to stress, leading to explosive arguments or emotional shutdowns.

  
  

Here’s how trauma survivors and their loved ones can work together to rebuild relationships:

1. Acknowledge the Impact of Trauma

The first step is awareness. If trauma is affecting your relationships, name it. Talk openly with your partner or loved ones about how trauma influences your thoughts and behaviors.

• Practical Tip: Start with “I” statements to take ownership of your feelings. For example, “I get anxious when we argue because it reminds me of past experiences.”

  
  

2. Create Safety in the Relationship

Trust can’t exist without safety. Partners can create a safe environment by being consistent, reliable, and empathetic.

• Practical Tip: Establish ground rules for communication, like taking breaks during heated arguments and revisiting the topic when both are calm.

  
  

3. Practice Active Listening

Active listening helps partners feel heard and validated. It’s about understanding, not fixing.

• How to Practice: Reflect back what the other person is saying. For example, “I hear that you feel scared when I raise my voice. I’ll work on being calmer.”

  
  

4. Seek Professional Help

Trauma-informed couples therapy can provide tools to navigate challenges. Therapists trained in trauma can help couples identify patterns, build trust, and communicate more effectively.

• Evidence: A 2018 meta-analysis in Psychological Trauma found that couples therapy significantly improved relationship satisfaction for trauma survivors.

  
  

5. Build Emotional Regulation Skills

Trauma survivors often struggle with regulating emotions. Practices like mindfulness, meditation, and breathing exercises can help calm the nervous system.

• Practical Tip: Try the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique during stressful moments: Name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste.

  
  

6. Reconnect Through Small Acts

Rebuilding trust doesn’t happen overnight. Start with small, meaningful gestures, like spending quality time together, sharing a meal, or expressing appreciation. Build new habits together and enjoy the benefits of getting to know your partner.

Healing relationships affected by trauma takes effort, patience, and mutual understanding. Here are key takeaways:

• For Trauma Survivors: It’s okay to ask for help and to take time to heal. You are worthy of love and connection.

• For Partners: Compassion and consistency go a long way. Understand that your loved one’s reactions are shaped by their past, not necessarily the present. Before pointing the finger see if there is another way to help resolve the situation by understanding how your partner processes information in particular situations. It's not always easy to do but try making the habit to support their change through your own change in perspective.

  
  

In the next post, we’ll discuss Trauma and Resilience: Finding Strength in Adversity. We’ll explore how trauma can shape resilience and how to cultivate strength even in the face of hardship.

Until then, remember this: Relationships are about showing up, even when it’s hard. Understand also that you should never stay in a relationship that is not safe or loving, the information provided is just my opinion and knowledge from my own journey.

Healing is a journey, and you don’t have to walk it alone.

Troy Rienstra