When Insecurities Come Out

I’ve been around long enough—and through enough—to know that most of us don’t step into relationships as blank slates. We carry what came before. Some of it’s conscious. Some of it’s buried. But it’s there. And when we tell ourselves we’ve figured out what we don’t want in a relationship, we act like that means we’re ready for what we do want. Truth is, that’s not always the case.

Knowing what you don’t want isn’t the same thing as healing from it. It’s not the same as doing the work to untangle the damage. We walk out of toxic situations thinking we’re done with them—but they don’t leave just because we did. Instead, those experiences plant seeds of insecurity. They change the way we see ourselves. They make us question what’s real—even when we’re finally in something good.

That’s the twist. A healthy relationship won’t always feel safe right away. In fact, it might be the very thing that rattles your cage the most. You find yourself waiting for the floor to drop, even though nothing’s wrong. That’s not your partner creating problems. That’s your history setting off alarms.

According to the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, individuals who’ve been through trauma in past relationships are significantly more likely to misread emotional cues in their partners. That’s not paranoia—it’s pattern recognition from a nervous system trying to protect itself. But when those old signals go unchecked, they start shaping how we see new love.

And it gets deeper. The American Psychological Association found that 65% of adults with a history of emotional neglect carry those wounds into long-term relationships—often without realizing it. The more committed the relationship becomes, the louder those insecurities get. Why? Because now, there’s something to lose.

You start questioning your worth, even in the face of consistency. You overthink a delayed response. You take a calm moment as emotional distance. Not because your partner’s done anything wrong—but because your nervous system doesn’t trust stability.

That’s what healthy love does—it holds up a mirror. And sometimes what it reflects back are the places we still haven’t healed.

So what do you do with that?

First, stop pretending your insecurities don’t exist. Denial only makes them grow legs. You want to start by naming them. Not in anger. Not in shame. Just as truth. "This is something I’m still carrying. I know it’s not about you—but it shows up here." That kind of honesty can disarm the situation before it spirals.

Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, found that couples who openly talk about their insecurities without blame build stronger, more secure bonds. Her research shows a 70% increase in relationship satisfaction when couples practice what she calls "attachment conversations." That means being able to say, "Here’s where I get uneasy," or "This is something that stirs up my old wounds,"—not to guilt your partner, but to bring awareness to what’s happening inside you.

According to a 2019 report in Psychological Science, when individuals in a relationship express vulnerability using emotionally safe language, their partners are more likely to respond with empathy rather than defensiveness, leading to significantly better emotional outcomes for both people involved. Additionally, a study by the University of California, Berkeley, found that couples who regularly communicate emotional needs using ownership-based language (e.g., "I feel," rather than "you always") saw a 35% increase in long-term emotional resilience.

Here’s where most people go wrong: they weaponize insecurity. They say, "You made me feel this way," as if the partner is responsible for all that history. That shuts things down. But when you come at it from the angle of, "This is something I carry, and here’s what helps me stay grounded when it shows up," you’re not just managing a moment—you’re building safety. That’s what turns vulnerability into strength. That’s how connection deepens, not breaks.

Being in a healthy relationship doesn’t mean the insecurities disappear. It means they’ve finally got space to be dealt with. And when you’re with someone who’s emotionally available, they won’t shame you for it. They’ll meet you where you are.

Secure love isn’t about perfection. It’s about response. It’s about how we show up when the hard stuff bubbles up—when one of us feels off, triggered, or unsteady. According to the Gottman Institute, couples who respond to each other’s emotional bids—those small moments where one person reaches out in vulnerability—are far more likely to build lasting emotional trust. These aren't grand gestures or dramatic conversations. It's your partner looking at you for half a second longer than usual, or saying "I had a rough day" and seeing if you notice. Responding to those moments? That’s what builds connection.

Insecure moments in a healthy relationship don’t always sound like screaming or crying. Sometimes they show up as quiet withdrawal, over-explaining, needing repeated reassurance, or even irritability. The person isn’t being difficult—they’re triggered. What they may need isn’t fixing; it’s presence.

A 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychology revealed that emotional attunement between couples—being able to recognize and respond to subtle emotional shifts—reduces stress and conflict over time and is linked to lower levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. In other words, how we respond to each other's pain can physically regulate the nervous system.

So, what does that actually look like? Emotional attunement might mean noticing when your partner’s energy shifts—even slightly—and choosing to check in instead of brushing it off. It’s the instinct to say, “You seem quiet today. Do you want to talk?” instead of assuming, being distance or ignoring the change.

It’s also about how we respond when we are the ones shifting. When your partner notices you withdrawing or sounding off, emotional attunement means they don’t immediately personalize it or retaliate. Instead, they get curious. They listen without rushing to fix. They ask with care: “You okay?” or “What’s weighing on you?”

Studies from the University of Denver's Center for Marital and Family Studies show that couples who consistently acknowledge and validate each other’s emotional states report higher relationship satisfaction and resilience—especially during high-stress periods. And when couples miss those emotional cues? Miscommunication increases, resentment builds, and emotional distance sets in.

In that moment, the goal isn’t perfection. It’s presence. It’s about tuning in instead of tuning out. Letting your partner know: I see you. I don’t have to solve it—but I’m here for it.

That level of emotional engagement doesn’t just build trust—it rewires it. It trains both nervous systems to respond with calm instead of alarm. That’s how healthy relationships start healing the wounds we brought in with us.

But there’s something else that’s just as critical in these moments: staying energetically open. When we’re upset or triggered, the default for many of us—especially those who’ve been through trauma—is to shut down. To pull back. To close off our energy and create distance instead of dialogue. It’s not always intentional. It’s a learned form of protection.

We assume. We withdraw. We say, "I don’t even want to talk about it," not because we don’t care, but because we don’t yet feel safe enough to be that vulnerable. But if we stay in that pattern, over time it builds walls instead of bridges. But ultimately, It conditions both people to expect disconnection instead of repair.

A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships showed that couples who practiced emotional openness during conflict—even when they felt vulnerable or uncomfortable—were significantly more likely to repair quicker and report higher emotional intimacy. Staying open, even when it’s hard, sends a message: I still choose this. I still choose us.

When both partners commit to staying energetically open, even during emotional storms, the healing deepens. Triggers become conversations, not catastrophes. And over time, the relationship becomes a place where you’re safe to be in process—not just polished. In other words, how we respond to each other's pain can physically regulate the nervous system.

Sometimes what we need in those moments is simple: a calm voice, a consistent routine, physical closeness, or to be asked, "What’s really going on under that?" Other times, it’s space paired with the security of knowing we’ll still be here tomorrow.

Researchers from the University of Illinois also found that when partners demonstrate curiosity rather than criticism in emotionally charged moments, it increases emotional security and reduces defensiveness. The difference between "Why are you acting like this?" and "You seem off—what’s on your mind?" is everything.

That’s the foundation for connection that doesn’t crumble every time insecurity walks through the door.

And when you slip up—and you will—take ownership. Come back with humility and say, "That was me responding from fear, not fact. I’m working on it." "I was being triggered, I'm sorry"

Healing inside a relationship isn’t easy. But it’s worth it.

The goal isn’t to never feel insecure—the goal is to not let those insecurities drive the relationship.

When you start to feel safe, don’t run. Don’t sabotage it. Sit with it. Let it stretch you. Because a healthy relationship doesn’t just give you peace—it challenges the part of you that never thought peace was possible.

Lean in to each other.

—Troy Rienstra