Who Am I? Exploring Identity

Unhealthy Patterns, and the Journey to Self-Awareness

Let me ask you something: Who are you? Not your job title, not your relationship status, not your Instagram bio. Who are you? If you’re feeling a little uncomfortable right now, that’s okay. These are the questions most of us avoid because they’re tough, messy, and don’t come with easy answers.

I avoided that question for years. In fact, I didn’t just avoid it—I ran from it. Growing up, I struggled with my identity in ways I didn’t fully understand until much later. And when I say I struggled, I don’t mean a little existential crisis on a Saturday afternoon. I mean the kind of turmoil that took me off track, landed me in trouble, and nearly wrecked my life.

So, let’s talk about identity—what happens when we don’t know who we are, the patterns that emerge, and how understanding ourselves can put us on the right path.

The Moment My World Shifted

I was 12 years old when I found out I was adopted. Bullied at school for being biracial, the bully in question stated one day that my dad was the mailman because my family was white and I was obviously not.

The thing is, I didn't see myself as being different from the way my family looked, in my mind my skin was the same as theirs, I simply never thought twice about it. That day after school though, I saw the difference. When I brought it up to my mom, she told me something I never saw coming ...I was adopted. Just like that, my whole world started spiraling.

Up until that moment, I thought I knew who I was: Troy, the son of a reverend and a teacher, a brother, a cousin and grandchild in a Dutch, white family. But now? Now I was someone with a different history, a different beginning. It felt like someone had swapped out my foundation without warning.

I didn’t handle it well. I was angry—angry at my parents for not telling me sooner, angry at the world for not making sense, and, deep down, angry at myself for feeling like I didn’t belong and I should have known. That anger didn’t stay bottled up. It spilled out at home in fights with siblings and my parents. In school with dropping grades, caring less and less and starting fights constantly. And when that wasn’t enough, I started acting out in bigger ways—breaking the law, making bad choices, spiraling into a pattern that would follow me for years.

The Identity Crisis

That revelation about my adoption didn’t just change how I saw my family; it changed how I saw myself. I felt like a puzzle missing half its pieces. I started asking questions I couldn’t answer: Where did I come from? Why was I given up? What does that say about me? And because I didn’t have those answers, I filled in the blanks with my own assumptions—and typically they weren’t positive.

According to research from Harvard University, identity plays a crucial role in how we navigate life. When our sense of self is disrupted—whether through trauma, loss, or revelations like mine—it can lead to confusion, self-doubt, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. A 2018 study in Psychological Review found that identity crises are linked to increased anxiety, depression, and risk-taking behaviors.

Sound familiar?

The thing is, identity isn’t just about knowing your name and your history. It’s about understanding your values, your purpose, and your place in the world. Without that understanding, it’s easy to feel lost, like you’re wandering through life without a map.

Unhealthy Patterns That Follow

When you don’t know who you are, you start trying to be someone else—or worse, you let the world decide for you. That’s what happened to me. I was so desperate to belong, to feel like I mattered, that I started playing roles I thought people expected of me. The angry kid. The troublemaker. The guy who didn’t care about anything.

Here’s the problem with those roles: They’re masks, not mirrors. They don’t reflect who you really are—they just hide the parts you’re afraid to show. And the longer you wear them, the harder it gets to take them off.

The Cost of Inauthenticity

Living out of alignment with your true self has consequences. Research from Yale University shows that people who suppress their true identities are more likely to experience burnout, relationship struggles, and even physical health issues. Why? Because pretending to be someone you’re not takes energy—energy that could be spent on growth and connection.

For me, those unhealthy patterns led me down a path of poor decisions and, eventually, to prison. Looking back, I see that my lack of identity didn’t just affect my choices—it dictated them. I wasn’t making decisions based on who I was; I was reacting to who I thought I had to be.

The Link Between Identity and Incarceration

Identity struggles are a common thread in the stories of many incarcerated individuals. According to a 2020 report from the Vera Institute of Justice, people who lack a strong sense of self are more vulnerable to external influences, including peer pressure and negative environments. This is especially true for young men, who often feel the societal pressure to prove themselves through aggression, dominance, or risk-taking.

Here’s another statistic that hits hard: A study from Stanford University found that 70% of incarcerated individuals report significant identity-related challenges, including feelings of worthlessness and disconnection from their communities. These struggles often start long before prison and continue long after release, creating a cycle that’s hard to break.

So, how do you find yourself when you feel like you’re starting from scratch? Here are some suggestions to get you started.

1. Ask the Hard Questions

The first step is getting real with yourself. Who are you? What do you believe in? What do you want your life to stand for? These questions aren’t easy, but they’re necessary. Journaling or therapy are great resources to add to these questions. Take some serious time with yourself though, commit to "you" during this process and you will find out a lot about who you are.

2. Embrace Your Story

For years, I avoided thinking about my adoption. It felt like a wound I didn’t want to touch. But healing doesn’t happen by ignoring pain—it happens by facing it. Accepting my story, flaws and all, started to turn the narrative for me.

3. Surround Yourself with the Right People

Identity isn’t built in isolation. Surround yourself with people who see the best in you, who challenge you to grow, and who accept you for who you are.

I believe this step can be a bit challenging for some. In my case, I didn't surround myself with people who truly wanted to see me succeed or even genuinely want the best for me. My mindset encouraged me to attach to people who brought conflict and more trauma. I had to realize how to close doors for my best interest and move forward by connecting to myself. However, I have been blessed to have a couple incredible mentors in my life that have truly guided me toward the success I was striving for.

Family can be a tough route also for some. Even for parents or siblings who want the best for you they may not be able to see what that is or even provide the correct support for what you need to find yourself, and that's okay. This is one of those life lessons that opens you up to "you" more and in some cases you don't need a whole lot of input from others. You'll find self discover is served best, solo for the most part.

However, If you don’t have a strong network of positive people in your life yet, seek them out as you go. Join a group, volunteer, or connect with a mentor.

4. Take Ownership

Here’s the thing about identity: It’s not just about discovering who you are—it’s about deciding who you want to be. You’re not stuck with the labels others give you. You have the power to rewrite your story. It's your life, take the reins.

Identity isn’t something you find in a day or a week. It’s a lifelong journey—that can start for you today. Creating a process of peeling back the layers, letting go of what doesn’t serve you, and embracing what does. It has far more instant gratification markers then we tend to give the process credit for, in other words you'll begin to see and feel the process working for and with you sooner than you think. Having pride in self change is a healthy mindset to kick start your journey with.

It’s about showing up as your true self, even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it’s scary.

For me, finding my identity isn't just about learning who I am—it was about reclaiming my life. If you’re feeling lost, I want you to know this: It’s never too late to start.

Stay true, stay real, and keep growing.

-Troy Rienstra